


Tiny Yellow Wildflowers

by AllThisAndLoveTooWillRuinUs



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: ....might have a sequel, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Canon Compliant, Drinking Games, Hogwarts Era, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Party Games, Spin the Bottle, for comedic relief, i cut it off before all the bad stuff, it would make sense, james is a dumbass, now i'm thinking about how good this universe would be war era, or you can use it as a tool for more angst, so you can pretend the soulmate thing prevents it if you want, sorta - Freeform, up to you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-02
Updated: 2018-07-02
Packaged: 2019-06-01 13:12:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15143828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AllThisAndLoveTooWillRuinUs/pseuds/AllThisAndLoveTooWillRuinUs
Summary: "sometimes, if you are very lucky, you will meet your soulmate in your dreams"





	1. The Dream Boy

There is magic, and then there is deep magic. Magic is what they teach you at Hogwarts, little spells you think or whisper or shout to make something happen. Stir a pot or torture someone out of their mind, same type of magic. 

Deep magic is different. Only those who study old history even really know about it, so in these days it happens almost always on accident. 

Deep magic is what keeps Harry Potter alive many times over, the rule of death for love (although our story begins many years before the boy who lived).

Deep magic is why tears have healing properties, why time stretches and sprints sometimes. Deep magic is why sometimes, if you are very lucky, you will meet your soulmate in your dreams.

Remus Lupin has never woken up from a nightmare. Being, well, Remus Lupin, it's not as if his nightmares are rare, nor are they at all mild. But even when he is tearing himself apart in moonlight, the boy is there. 

They can't talk, in their dream space. Remus has tried. He has tried to ask the boys name, where he lives, but no sound comes out. He makes faces like a goldfish. The black haired boy smiles a little, even though there is a mangled body behind them that night. This boy likes to make light of things, that much Remus knows.

What he is too young to know, however, is the deep magic of the soulmate, or as ancient texts more often refer to them, the dream guardian. He assumes he's made some sort of complex imaginary friend. Even to Remus’ five year old brain, this doesn't quite add up, but he simply adds it to the list of things he'll find out when he learns to read, something he's very much looking forward to.

Theoretically, Remus could tell his parents about the dream boy, but he tries not to worry them. They're always worried about side effects and complications from the lycanthropy. This doesn't feel like that. Besides, telling his parents about the boy in his dreams would mean telling them about the dreams themselves, which seem rather private.

If Remus’ dreams were anything like the dream boy's, he wouldn't want them told to some adult he didn’t know. Most of the other boy’s nightmares are about his mother. His mother with words, his mother with her wand pointed right at him, his mother a key to a dark closet to lock him inside. No, those weren’t the sort of dreams one shared with a stranger. 

But Remus is no stranger to the dream boy. Remus has done all of it with him, felt that horrid excuse for a mother’s curses, felt the impact of her words, strong as if they were from his own, although Remus’ mother would never say such awful things. Remus has sat in that dark closet with the boy, and this is the first time they hold hands, in the pitch black of a sleeper dimension. 

The first time they change the dream, Remus is 7, and the boy looks about the same age. It’s the other boy’s this time, the old mother and her wand. Remus pushes the other boy out of the aim of the curse, then ducks beneath and darts around and before she can get over her surprise, he punches her in the stomach, hard as he can. When she bends over, more from shock than impact, he gets her in the face. The other boy with the black hair lets his mouth hang open and his grey eyes go wide. The mother disappears into a puff of smoke. Remus can’t help but smile a bit. The other boy runs up to him and wraps his arms around him and doesn’t let go until they wake up. That dream does not come back. 

For a week after that, it is fields and sunflowers for the two of them. In their dreams they try to braid flower crowns and fail and laugh without sound. It is a golden sort of week.

Then, of course, Remus dreams of being bitten all over again. Normally, Greyback gets them both, and Remus can only imagine what waking up must be like for the other boy on those nights. Tonight though, the black haired boy takes Remus’ hand and runs. Remus is confused, running has not helped in the past, Greyback runs faster. The boy pulls him down behind a tree and holds a hand over his mouth as Greyback runs past them, not bothering to look down. They stay like that for ages. Greyback does not return. The woods are all theirs. 

From then on they don't just keep each other company through the horrors of the night, but protect each other from them.

At age 7, Remus feels very old, because he can finally read and even go down to the library on his bike if he promises not to talk to strangers and tells his mother first. Remus has spent a lot of time in the library, but there are no books about little grey eyed boys saving you in your nightmares. By now, nothing could convince Remus that the boy is an imaginary friend, or anything short of someone very real and seeing him in his dreams, too. But that doesn't answer the why or the how. And of course there's no way to begin to guess who the boy might be. 

To his frustration, Remus doesn't get any of these answers for years. Not until he's 11 and halfway to Hogwarts.

 

Remus never really thought he'd get to go to Hogwarts. For the longest time, his parents were sure they'd have to homeschool him. It wasn't until Dumbledore himself came to their kitchen that Remus thought he might have a chance at going. Even now, all in his dress robes and on a moving train, he keeps waiting for someone to tell him there's been a mistake, and he’ll have to hop off into one of the fields they're flying past. Nobody does.

He’s rubbing his thumb nervously against his palm when he first sees the dream boy.

It's the most surreal experience Remus has ever had. The boy looks just like he does in the dreams, but perhaps a bit more alive, like there is more color to his skin. For a while, Remus can only watch him through the compartment window and drum his fingers on his thighs. He presses them into his leg for a moment, a go sign, before standing and opening the door quickly, before he has time to think about it. 

He jostles the small group of students standing outside in the hallway. “Pardon me,” he says, “just thought I'd introduce myself to some fellow students.” One girl, with a pointed little nose, snickers, but Remus can't imagine what was so funny about that simple statement. He decides not to let it distract him but looks the dream boy right in the eyes and sticks his hand out towards him. “Remus Lupin.”

The boy, recognition clear on his face, shakes his hand loosely and says, “Sirius Black.”

Remus thinks about making a comment about it being nice to put a name to a face, but isn't quite sure it would be wise to let everyone know about the dreams, especially without talking to dream boy - Sirius - about it first. 

So Remus only nods and smiles, and pretends to be interested in the other student's names. One of them, James? Has a handshake strong enough to tame a wild hippogriff. Remus can feel Sirius watching him closely and decides he really can only handle so much social interaction right then, so he goes back into his compartment and pulls out his book with hope of recovering from that mundane yet earth shattering encounter before they reach Hogwarts. 

Once they've crossed in the shaky little boats and been let into the dining hall with it's stars, Remus purposely sits as far away from Sirius as possible. He doesn't want to run the risk of Sirius thinking he wants something from him, or letting Sirius distract him from the sorting. He wants to deal with all the normal start of school excitement first, then worry about their tangled up dreamscapes.

Of course, Black is one of the first names called, and it seems to be a surprise to him when the hat sends him to the Gryffindor table. From the sharp reactions at the Slytherin table, Remus supposes he was expecting to go there. He assumes it's from some familial obligation, which he doesn't quite understand, no matter how many times it's explained to him. He's still trying to figure out why families being in the same house matters so much when his name is called. 

_"Oh, clever boy",_ says the hat once it's sunk upon his tiny head. _"I almost sent you to Ravenclaw without a second look. You're more than a pretty brain though, aren't you? You know pain quite well, and yet you handle each month bravely."_

_"It's not as though I have a choice!"_ Remus feels oddly indignant about the implication that his lycanthropy was some sort of noble quest.

_"No, no, of course you don't, but every night you shut your eyes and see him, or see what the wolf might do, and still you fight back, even if just in dreams."_

_"I can only do that because of Sirius."_

_"Ah yes, dream guardians, very rare nowadays. Well, if you say you are only brave because of Sirius, it seems a shame not to have the two of you in the same house, does it not? So there's only one thing for it really -"_

“GRYFFINDOR!”

Remus shuffles with his head down towards the red and gold decorated table. Really, he's quite pleased with Gryffindor, but for the time being he's got to occupy himself with finding a place to sit, and with not looking Sirius in the eye, even when he catches him staring in his peripheral vision.

 

Remus is led to a room he's to share with Sirius, the boy with the handshake, and a quiet boy named Peter. The day has exhausted Remus and it is all he can do to drag himself into the bathroom to brush his teeth when Sirius follows in after, his own toothbrush in hand. As Remus puts the paste on, Sirius says, tentatively, “It's odd to hear your voice.”

Remus nods. “It's odd to know your name.” Then they brush their teeth, and Remus is glad for the silence it forces. What would they even say to each other? “Hullo Sirius, nice to meet you, I know where you got that bruise on your shoulder.” 

“Why fancy that,” said the Sirius in Remus’ head. “I know where you got that scar on your cheek.”

No, it was far better they wash their teeth in silence for now. 

That night, Remus dreams that one of his peers finds out about his monthly issue and he has to leave school. The whole ordeal is drawn out and full of harsh words, but this is a new dream, so Sirius has not yet figured out how to stop it but to hold Remus’ hand and cover his ears when possible. When they wake up, Sirius acts like nothing happened, and so does Remus. But when they leave for breakfast, James practically leading a march down to the great hall, Sirius falls behind to say to Remus as quiet as he can, “I'm glad you're here. Where you belong.”


	2. In the Owlery on a Cold Sunday Morning

That first full moon, Sirius is the first face he wakes up to in the infirmary. He looks like he’s been up all night, and he is gripping Remus’ hand, just like he does in all the dreams he does not know how to fix. 

“I thought,” Sirius whispers, “I hoped that maybe the dreams exaggerated.”

“Unfortunately not.” Remus lets himself hold his gaze, for one of the first times since they’d arrived at Hogwarts, and he does not let go of Sirius hand. Sirius does not look away or loosen his grip. There a lot of things they think about saying to each other, I wish I could protect you here too, or Just you being here makes me feel braver, but they leave these things unspoken, understood. 

“James and Peter think you went into the Forbidden Forest on a grand adventure and got lost. I might have implied that you fought a centaur in hand to hoof combat. They’ll be down soon, but I convinced them to go get breakfast to bring you.”

“Now you’ve given the false impression that I’m exciting. How will I ever live up to the expectations?”

“By hanging around with me. We’re going to have all sorts of adventures, Remus. Real ones.”

Remus holds his gaze for a moment, eyes wide. He hadn’t quite realized until then that Sirius wanted to be his friend in waking life as well as sleeping. He’s not quite sure what to say to that, and to the idea of adventures, but he doesn’t have to, because at that moment James comes bounding in, followed by a slightly out of breath Peter. The orange juice has only spilled a little bit onto the tray that James is carrying, despite all his borderline leaping, and he proudly hands Remus a tray of orange juice and eggs and all sorts of things, before promptly asking for every detail of Remus’ expedition into the Forbidden Forest. To his own surprise, Remus spins the tale quite well, Sirius only jumps in to provide details (“for the mood,” he says when James flicks him, because he wasn’t even there, how should he know). James and Peter listen with their mouths hanging open, and Sirius watches with a proud sort of smile, one side tilting higher than the other. Even with his leg more bandage than skin, Remus finds himself smiling too. 

 

It is 6th year when things go to shit. After a year of Sirius covering for him, he finally told Peter and James that his mom was not, in fact, all that sick, and beyond his highest held hope, they embraced him when he told them the truth. Three years later, they show him their secret, their new animagus forms they were so proud of. And from the years of sneaking around in the invisibility cloak and Peter, the only one who could draw worth a knut, staying up far too late with a quill, they have a map. All Remus knows is jinxes from corridors and falling frogs and laughter and laughter and laughter. All he knows of brotherhood is James and Sirius knowing each others plans with a look, the way they breathe in sync. All he knows of kindness is Peter finding him at midnight in the back of the library and bringing him to bed. All he knows of safety is Sirius in a dream, Sirius as a dog in the forest, Sirius with his arms around his shoulders. 

Which is why it’s so hard to process what he sees in the owlery on a cold sunday morning. His eyes understand the sight of Sirius. They understand the sight of Danielle Clearwater, that Ravenclaw girl in their astronomy class, up against the wall. He understands the basic concept of kissing, but for some reason, it makes absolutely no sense to him in this context. All he can do is stand there and gape as his brain tries to catch up with the plummeting feeling in his stomach. 

Eventually, of course, Sirius notices him, and stumbles away from Danielle as if the poor girl had shocked him. Like in dreams, he opens his mouth, but is wordless, only staring at Remus. 

Finally realizing how odd he’s acting, Remus completes the bizarre encounter by running away as fast as he can. Now, Sirius calls after him, but Remus doesn’t look back. 

Remus spends the rest of the day hiding away in library, wondering if Sirius will come and find him, hoping he will and hoping he won’t. He doesn’t. 

Remus doesn’t understand why he’s so upset. It’s not as though Sirius did anything wrong, or even shared something with her that used to be his. Kissing and dreaming are two different worlds, and Remus only shares one of them with Sirius. Of course, Sirius is the first of the four of them to kiss anyone. That must be what’s upsetting him. The knowledge that they’re growing up, and might have to let other people into their lives soon. 

Everyone knows James is never ever ever ever getting Lily, so he had no reason to worry about that. But what if Sirius and Danielle were actually dating? Just the thought gives Remus a headache. Danielle seems like a nice enough girl, sure, but what if she tried to sit with them at meals? What if she helped Sirius with his defense against the dark arts essays instead of Remus? What if she wanted to do pranks with them? It was unholy, that’s what it was. 

Even once Remus has worked all this out, he still doesn’t feel quite ready to face Sirius, so he spends the day in the library getting all his work done for practically the rest of the semester. When he gets back to the dorm, it is late and Sirius is already asleep, but it is still Remus’ dream they enter.

In all their 16 years, there’s never been two Sirius’ or two Remus’ in a dream. That is to say, they’ve never dreamt about each other. Remus isn’t even sure it’s possible. But tonight, he dreams about the owlery, about over and over, Sirius and Danielle, against the wall, _Sirius and Danielle, Sirius and Sirius and Sirius and -_ not him. Dreaming Remus seems to understand something Waking Remus didn’t, and he starts to feel angry tears welling up at the edges of his eyes. Because he sees the Sirius there kissing Danielle, he nearly forgets that real Sirius must be there too. He tries to hide the redness around his eyes, and turns to find Sirius behind him, staring, confused. 

Sirius’ eyes keep darting back and forth between Remus and the odd figment of himself kissing Danielle, as if he’s trying to find the connection between the two. In his defense, Remus is still trying to connect the dots too. He lets Sirius pull him down to the ground and hold him as he cries. If there has ever been a more embarrassing moment in all of human history, Remus doesn’t know what it could possibly be, but that only makes him cry more, so the situation doesn’t change much. By the end of the night, they’re still there on the floor of the owlery, Dream Sirius and Danielle above them. 

Sirius always wakes early, so he is washing his face when Remus gets out of bed, softly, socks barely making a sound. Sirius notices anyway and rushes out of the bathroom they share. “Remus!” he says, barely too loud, as if he’s forgotten James and Peter sleeping beside them. Sirius sets his towel down and waits for Remus to say something, but Remus doesn’t even look at him, just gets up and walks out, pajamas and all. 

Madam Pomfrey apparently never sleeps, and is sorting her medicine cabinet when Remus finds her. 

“Madame Pomfrey,” he says, and she turns around with a start, “I’ve been having trouble sleeping, I keep having dreams.”

“Oh you poor dear, of course you do.” She gets that look on her face, the pitying one Remus normally can’t stand, even though he knows it’s from a good place. This time though, he uses it to his advantage.

“I was wondering if you might have a sleeping potion of some sort that could help?” He does his best to look as innocent as possible, even though his story is barely a lie. Whatever kind of half truth, it works, and Madame Pomfrey hands him a small lavender bottle without even a moment of hesitation. She rambles on a while about how much he should take and when and what foods won’t mix well with it in his stomach, finishing up with her standard but extra enthusiastic demand that he come to her if he need anything, anything at all. Remus is really very grateful for her, but all he wants to do just then is run away to the library for the hour or so before classes start. He has research to do.

Of course, his first few years at Hogwarts, he drowned himself in the library, all its knowledge of wizards and magic and their history. And of course he researched dreams as much as he could, but there wasn’t much about them, outside of the study of their prophetic capacity. He and Sirius didn’t talk about it much, but he was certain Sirius had no better idea why they had this connection than he did. Sirius, however, was less curious, and now, less desperate to break it. 

So he does what desperate men do, and starts pulling books off the shelves at random and checking the indexes for anything that seems at all relevant. He thought the story of Queen Ragnhild, who had prophetic dreams and was married to King Halfdan the Black, had promise, but it seemed to be a dead end. He read the story of Baldur and of Bjorn and of the Oneiroi, Croesus, Penelope, Hecuba, but nothing seems to apply until he is flipping through the index of a book titled The Ancient Arts. There, between Dreamers and Dream Thieves is the term, Dream Guardians. That term rings a bell, but at first he can’t seem to remember where he’s heard it. Then, in the back of his head, he hears the sorting hat’s voice in his ear: Ah yes, dream guardians, very rare nowadays. He’d been so distracted that day, he hadn’t even registered that the sorting hat had named it for him. Quickly, because he is running out of time, he flips to the page listed. 

_The phenomena of the Dream Guardian is a rare one, estimated to be approximately one pair of guardians in every five thousand wizards born. Dream Guardians will share each other’s dreams, and often begin to lucid dream so as to prevent nightmares for one another. Like with other soulmate connections, Dream Guardians will find that-”_

Remus reads those words, then reads them again. And again. He closes his eyes for a moment, successfully convinces himself that he’s misread them, then reads them again, still the same. Remus hasn’t even thought about romance seriously before. How could he? Who would want to be with a werewolf? Remus isn’t even sure he’s gay, he’s never considered the subject. Does that mean Sirius is gay too? The image of him in the owlery comes unbidden. Probably not then. 

Bitterly, Remus thinks about the irony of it, that that encounter is what drove him to this. It explains his reaction, doesn’t it? 

He hears the clock chime, and knows he’s late for potions, but he finishes reading the section on dream guardians before packing up his things and leaving. It doesn’t teach him anything useful, mostly tells him what he already knows, but in all honesty, he probably couldn’t handle much new information just that moment anyway. 

After staring him down all through potions, Sirius corners him in the hallway on the way to charms class. “Remus, we should talk.”

“I don’t really feel like it just now, Sirius, perhaps another time,” Remus mumbles as he pulls away and moves along towards charms. 

“Remus! Remus, I’m sorry, alright?” Sirius really does not need to shout like this, Remus is only a few feet away by then, and they’re lucky the hallway is empty. 

“You shouldn’t be,” Remus’ voice is a bit bolder now, as if trying to convince himself he has control of the situation. “What would you even have to be sorry for?”

“I, I, I don't even really know, but I am, okay?” 

Remus looks at him, his soulmate, apparently, and suddenly can't stand to be there anymore. That moment is just too broken, and too much for him to process at 9 am that Monday. So he walks away, trying not to think about the state he's leaving Sirius in behind him.

At dinner, Peter tries to check in on Remus, since he was gone all yesterday and quiet as a mouse all that day, but Remus denies everything, says he must have worked himself too hard studying yesterday and now he's a bit tired. Sirius picks at his food. Remus tries not to notice. He thinks of the little lavender bottle in his bedside table drawer. He's not even sure it will work, but he hopes beyond hope that it will. Remus’ subconscious is not a place he wants Sirius to see tonight. He goes to bed early, both at Peter's instruction and because of his own emotional exhaustion. Before he does though, he takes a capful of the sleeping potion, which tastes like milk and honey. He barely has time to hide the bottle under his pillow before his eyes droop and he falls to a deep, dreamless sleep.


	3. The Chapter With The Big Gay Crises

James had never been a particularly observant person. The way he sees it, there is so much in him dedicated to feeling, and a significant portion dedicated to the basic concept of turn Professor McGonagall's hair pink and run as fast as you can that there was simply no space inside of him for the input of life’s details. 

He did, however, do his best to pay close attention to his friends. Even with this, it took him a few days to realize that Remus and Sirius weren’t talking. In fourth year, when he was determined to be a better friend after not noticing Peter hadn’t slept in a week, James made a quest out of writing down all his friends daily routines and habits in a little brown journal of his. When it finally struck him that Remus and Sirius had both been so moody and miserable for the past few days, he went back and checked his lists.

_Sirius- wakes up at the arse crack of dawn, brushes teeth, begins lengthy hair and skin care routine. Smiles at Remus in a weird sort of way once he gets up. Has yogurt at breakfast. Zones out defense against the dark arts, history of magic, charms, and potions, usually watches Remus when zoned out. Once done with work for day, finds Remus and bugs him. Takes short breaks to bug me._

__

__

_Remus- wakes up when Sirius inevitably starts humming. Has eggs and oats for breakfast. Pays attention in class, watches Sirius at quidditch practice, lets Sirius bug him and helps him with his defense against the dark arts work, plays a game of wizard chess with Peter, makes Sirius head back to the dorm before midnight, reads before bed._

“Ah,” James mumbles to himself, “I see the problem.” The problem was, Remus and Sirius not talking has messed with their routines, and that was upsetting them. The solution was simple then; he just had to get them to talk to each other again. Surely they had just forgotten to, and not quite realized how much it was affecting their daily lives. James sets out to find Sirius. 

He finds Sirius sulking in a corridor near the library, but not quite inside it. James finds this rather convenient, as Remus is just inside the library, so it won’t be long between his conversation with Sirius and the situation being completely rectified. 

“Ah! Sirius! Just the man I was looking for!”

“Am I now?” Sirius tried to smile, but James, in his careful studies, had learned the difference between Sirius’ real did-you-see-those-Slytherins’-faces-when-we-did-that smile and his fake I-just-got-a-letter-from-my-mom-but-I’m-fine-really smile. This was definitely the latter. 

“Yes. Sirius, my lad, my boy, my good man, dear friend, Padfoot. Light and love of my life.”

“I thought that was Lily.”

“Platonic light and love of my life, it’s not that confusing, keep up. Sirius, I know what your problem is.”

Apparently this was the wrong way to phrase this, because Sirius looked scared out of his wits. “You do?”

“Yes, I’m quite sure. And I know how to fix it.”

Sirius sighs,“James, I know everyone says that, but there’s no way to fix it or magic it away, believe me, I’ve tried.”

“Nonsense, it’s a simple matter really.”

“James, I can’t fix it and there’s no way around it. I’m gay and I just have to deal with it.”

“You’re WHAT now?”

The two boys are still for a moment, and then Sirius, realizing what has happened, winces. “Oh, that’s not what you thought my problem was, is it?”

“No, I thought it was that you weren’t talking to Remus.”

Sirius laughs a bit bitterly and looks at the ground to avoid the shock on James’ face. “Yeah, well, that’s part of it.”

James gets the sense that this moment is important, so he thinks very hard for a bit, trying to land on the right way to continue the conversation from here. Finally, he asks, “So what happened with you and Remus?”

Sirius looks a bit relieved. “I’m not even really sure. A couple months ago I started to, to wonder if I was gay. Just sometimes the way I felt around guys, Remus especially, and I was a little worried about it to be quite honest, like my life isn’t hard enough without that, you know? So I figured I should just find out for sure, so I -” Sirius blushes. “Well I asked Danielle Clearwater, you know, that Ravenclaw girl? I asked her if she wanted to meet me in the owlery Sunday morning, for a date of some sort, and she said she did, and we were having an alright time and so I kissed her and we were having a good go at that when - when Remus walked in.”

“You KISSED a GIRL? And you didn’t TELL me? How was it? What was it like? Are you even a reliable source? You know, because of the gay thing?” James gets a sharp glare from Sirius. “Right, sorry, not the focus of the story. We’ll come back to that.”

“Right, well, Remus walked in, and we all just sort of stood there until he ran off and didn’t come back the rest of that day and -” Sirius pauses, choosing his words carefully. “And well, he seemed really upset and now he won’t talk to me and I don’t know why.” Sirius sighs, looking towards the ground again to hide the tears starting to well up. “And on top of that, I- well I- with Danielle, I gave it my best shot, but I didn’t like it. I mean it was fine I guess? But then I saw Remus and all I could think about was how I wished it was him but it was too late and he ran away and now we’re here and it’s just the worst. One of my best friends won’t talk to me and I don’t even really know why and as if that’s not enough, I’m gay. I’m gay, I’m gay, I’m gay, and my mother is going to kill me.” 

This is when Sirius finally broke down and cried. James knew about Sirius’ mother. He knew why Sirius dreaded summers and stayed home, at Hogwarts, over winter breaks. Grimmauld place was Sirius’ hell, and James did everything he could to make him forget about it. Everytime Sirius got a letter from She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, James declared himself Sirius’ new mother and started to spoon feed him porridge. The bit would last the whole day, with everything from embarrassing monologues about Sirius as a baby to lectures on the importance of safe sex to the end of the day, when James would help Remus shuffle Sirius up to bed on time (looking back on it, he regrets the times he brought Remus in on the joke and referred to him as Sirius’ dad, it seems a bit inappropriate in hindsight). The point is, James tries his best to keep Sirius’ mother out of Hogwarts. So the fact that she had dared to show up here, in this moment when Sirius needs her input the least, makes James furious. He wraps his arms around Sirius and holds him as he cries. 

They stay like that for a while, until Sirius has cried himself out, at which point James says, “Your mom is an idiot, you’re fantastic, gay or whatever. You’re gonna date a bunch of boys and they’re all gonna love you and your mom is just gonna have to suck it. And you and Remus will work it out, I promise.” 

Sirius nods to himself a bit and thanks James before wiping his tears and changing the subject to quidditch strategies. James takes the cue to lighten the mood and they get in a heated debate that ends in a wrestling match and they both pretend things are okay for a while. 

 

If Remus wasn’t sure he was gay before, he’s figured it out now. He is definitely, most certainly, indisputably, and conclusively, a raging homosexual whose specific gay affections are directed towards one Sirius Black.

Day one of avoiding Sirius and taking the dreaming potion went alright. He genuinely didn’t want to think about Sirius and the implications of him. He focused on his studies and ignored all the concerned looks and inquiries of his friends. 

Day two he started to miss Sirius, and started to watch him, as if that was a diet version of actually talking to him. He started to notice the light on his face, and the way his smile made his insides flip, and he watched James braid his hair, wondering what it might be like to run his hands through that hair himself. 

By day three, even the way Sirius eats is distracting, and he can’t get anything done for the life of him.

On day four, the word soulmate is playing in his ears over and over and he can’t stop imagining a house with Sirius, mornings with just the two of them and eating meals together and growing old and - he likes to cut himself off there, because it gets far too mushy if he lets himself go on. 

Once he reaches day five, he is definitely, most certainly, and indisputably gay for Sirius Black. And he has no idea what to do about it. 

Theoretically, if he and Sirius are soulmates, that means Sirius likes him back, right? Or that he will eventually? Or does it just mean that they’d be good together if only Sirius were gay and Remus weren’t a werewolf and the world was better in general?

That Friday night, he runs out of sleeping potion with the cap only halfway full. He’s not really sure what this will mean, if it will still work or not, but he takes it anyway, with hopes that it will keep Sirius out. He doesn’t trust his subconscious to keep his secrets for him. 

The dream is in a meadow, full of yellow flowers and the shade of trees. At first, Remus thinks of the forbidden forest, but this is nothing like that place, which is dark and frightening without a friend. The silly thought occurs to Remus that this might be the place where life started, in this safe place of sun and shade and tiny yellow wildflowers. He turns to see Sirius there. So the potion didn’t work, their dreams are back. At least they’re someplace nice. Sirius smiles at him, bouncing on the tips of his toes closer. Remus wonders if all is forgotten, as easy as that, in a place like this. He decides not to worry too much about it. For once, let their waking selves deal with the hardest part. They in the dreams have suffered enough. 

Sirius grabs his hand with a wide grin and spins him around. Then he holds him close by the waist, tucks Remus’ hair behind his ear, and kisses him. 

Time isn’t particularly relevant in their dream dimension. It stretches and bends and slows and speeds, looping back around constantly. Normally though, it doesn’t freeze so totally. The meadow and its tiny yellow wildflowers and all the worries of waking life fade as Remus kisses Sirius for the first time, and everything is okay. Remus deepens the kiss and they go on like that for what seems like forever. 

Then Sirius pulls back and asks, “Go to Hogsmeade with me sometime?” 

At first, Remus is elated, that Sirius feels the same, that they are going to get to go on dates, as if they were normal and happy beings who did not have to worry about mothers and moons. But then he realizes what Sirius just did. He spoke.

This is not the real Sirius. 

Remus steps away slowly. The potion must have worked, but only halfway. He dreamt, but the real Sirius did not come with him. For the first time ever, he dreamt like a normal person, and this is what he dreamt about, kissing Sirius Black.


	4. Not Like This

The next night is a quidditch game, Gryffindor versus Hufflepuff. The match decides who moves on to the house cup, so Sirius and James spend the whole day practicing, leaving Peter and Remus to themselves.

Peter, who has been worried about Remus all week, suggests a game of wizards chess.

“You wanna talk about it?” Peter asks.

“Nope, not really, thanks.”

“Okay.”

They play in silence, first two games to Peter, then one to Remus, one to Peter, two to Remus and so on until it’s time to leave for the game. That’s the thing about Peter and Remus, they’re always an even match for each other. 

It would seem that Gryffindor and Hufflepuff too, are an even match. The game goes on for hours, because both teams know they have to beat the other at least 30 points to advance to the cup. One would think this would make for a dreary game, dragging on and on, but both houses are on the edge of their seats. James and Sirius are both chasers, and they do an excellent job of keeping Hufflepuff on their toes, making sure to score on them everytime they get to 20 points above. At one point, Gryffindor gets up by 30, but for the whole time the snitch has disappeared from sight, and eventually Hufflepuff catches up to them. 

Half an hour and a lot of close calls later, Gryffindor is up by 20. The other teams beaters start aiming for James and Sirius, and there are bludgers flying right past their noses constantly. Despite this, James manages to reach the quaffle, and, seeing how far he is and how many Hufflepuffs are between him and the goals, passes it to Sirius, who only just manages to get a hold of it despite a Hufflepuff chaser trying to intercept. Then, several things happen in quick succession. First the snitch descends from the clouds, and both the seekers race towards it at top speed, with the whole of Hogwarts watching. Second, a bludger flies a few feet in front of and below Sirius, apparently off course due to the beaters distraction with the snitch. Third, Sirius takes his broom in his hand, leaps off and onto the speeding bludger, uses it as launching pad to fly past the Hufflepuff beaters and chasers, gets back on his broom, and hits the quaffle right past the keeper’s awestruck face, into the goals. 

“Go! Go! Go! Go! GO! GO!” James and Sirius shout to their seeker, Donna Wood, who really needs no telling as she shoots up beyond the Hufflepuff seeker and grabs the snitch. 

 

The after party is legendary. 

Peter and Remus charm lights to flicker in the Gryffindor common room, and one of the 7th years brings in bucket loads of butterbeer. The majority of the house is either dancing or playing a party game or making out with someone. All four of the Marauders are participating in that second activity, a lively game of spin the bottle. So far, the bottle has landed on James and Lily, which was promptly shut down by the latter, but all the other women of Gryffindor were so eager to jump to the poor quidditch hero’s aid, James very quickly found himself in a closet no longer wondering when it would be acceptable to ask Sirius what kissing was like. He found his answers first hand. 

Frank and Alice had also had the bottle land on them, and looked not at all upset about it.

The true highlight of the night, though, had been when Dorcas Meadowes and Marlene McKinnon were picked by the All Knowing Spinny Bottle and spent their time in the closet, much longer than 7 minutes. Remus got the sense that the story of this night would be told at several weddings, or perhaps even to several children, once they were old enough to understand such serious things as party games. 

He was still laughing to himself at the thought of Marlene McKinnon trying to raise a child, leather jacket and all, and having to explain that the first time she kissed the child’s other mother she was prodigiously drunk, when the bottle landed on him. Remus’ stomach plummeted. For some reason, when he agreed to play, he thought he could just sit and watch without ever having to worry about actually, well, playing. What if it landed on a girl? Remus didn’t think of himself as particularly sentimental, but he wanted his first kiss to at least be with a boy. But what if it did land on a boy? What if he had to kiss some random boy and he couldn’t hide how much he liked it and everyone knew he was gay only the very day after he’d reached that conclusion himself? Remus worries and worries and worries until the bottle lands on Sirius and he knows for sure he’s doomed. 

Sirius too goes ashen faced when he sees the bottle has landed on him. The circle oohs and excitedly ushers them off to the closet, giving neither of them time to back out like Lily did. 

“We don’t have to, you know,” is the first thing Remus says when the door shuts behind them, “we can just not and say we did.”

“Oh, so you’re talking to me now. How kind of you. It only took being locked in a bloody closet.”

“Hey!” Remus lights his wand up with a murmured lumos and shines the light in Sirius’ face. “I don’t know what you’re pissy about. We’re friends, not married or anything. So what if I was quiet for a few days? To be honest, I thought you’d appreciate the time to spend with Danielle -”

“Oh you complete an utter arsehole! You know there’s nothing with Danielle, you know that just fine, so what was all that about? Running off and then giving me the silent treatment for some reason like it’s punishment for something? And -” Sirius glances at the door, as if remembering that there are people outside it for the first time, and hushes his voice into something that sounds just as fierce but quieter, and the tiniest bit hurt, “and shutting me out of your dreams? I didn't even know we could do that.”

Remus looks a little bit guilty at that. “Madame Pomfrey gave me a sleeping potion.”

“Oh.”

“I thought I'd give it a try, didn't want another incident like the owlery dream, I'm sure that was uncomfortable for you.”

“I didn't realize it bothered you so much. Why did it bother you so much?”

“It doesn't matter, our time's almost up, OKAY JAMES,” he shouts at door, “okay, we did it, you can let us out now!”

However, it's Peter who shouts back, “You most definitely did not, Remus Lupin! I know when you're lying! No leaving until you've kissed for real, we're not cheaters!”

Remus takes this extraordinarily unwell, huffing and kicking the wall and swearing. “Fine, fuck, fuck it, fine, just kiss me and get it over with.” 

“No.”

“Sirius, they're not gonna let us out, it doesn't particularly suit my fancy either but we shouldn't ruin the party and you know Peter doesn't break his word, that boy will keep us here til morning so if you would just -”

“No.”

“Sirius, I get it, I do, kissing you is the last thing I wanna do and I get that it's your special night and you're a quidditch hero and all that but you're really making a big deal out of nothing, alright? It's just a stupid game and it's not like it's your first kiss so if you could just put your pride aside for one second and fucking kiss me -”

“Not like this!” 

Those words ring out for a moment before Remus fully registers them. 

“Not like - not like this? What does that mean?”

“It doesn't matter, that came out wrong”

“No Sirius, how would you like to kiss me? If not like this, how would you like to kiss me?”

Sirius is silent for a moment, and in the glow of Remus’ wand he seems not quite real. Not dreamlike, because up until recently all his dreams had felt quite real, but the moment, the way Sirius looked in the pale blue light, his dream boy who jumped off his broom and leapt across the sky and saved him from his every fear, he seemed to not quite fit in Remus’ idea of reality.

“I’d like to kiss you without a dare,” he whispers finally. “Someplace nice, somewhere outside with flowers and sun and stuff.”

Remus nods, slowly, taking everything in, making sure he's hearing it right. “I know a place. I'll see you there tonight?”

Sirius nods, and Remus thinks that in the moment they might just kiss in that dark closet anyway, but James knocks on the door. 

“I know Peter said he'd keep you in here all night, but I'm not Peter and the rest of us would like to continue on with the game so if you two are quite done -” he opens the door and the light hurts Remus’ eyes. He looks over towards Sirius, as if to check that he hasn't changed his mind in the last 2 seconds since the door opened and their conversation became a lot more real. He looks as shell shocked as Remus. Remus takes that as a good sign.

 

Very late that night, after the party has wound down and been magiced away, Sirius and Remus crawl into their beds to dream.

They dream of a meadow, shaded by trees and bathed in sunlight, covered in little yellow wildflowers. Unlike Remus’ dream the night before, they are both still at first, uncertain of anything but the beauty of their surroundings. Eventually, Sirius looks at him and smiles something soft and nervous. Remus smiles back and, ever so slightly, reaches for Sirius’ hand. Sirius takes it and squeezes Remus’ hand, just to make sure it's real, before leaning in, his nose barely brushing Remus’. Sirius hums nervously, like he always does, but no sound comes out. Remus puts his fingers to Sirius’ neck just to feel the vibration of him humming and know that the silence proves he's real. 

The knowledge that Sirius is real, and here with him in this dream is all the courage Remus needs to close the gap and kiss him, for real, for the first time. 

So that is how Remus and Sirius spend their night, kissing and smiling and laughing soundlessly in a field of tiny yellow wildflowers.

 

The next morning, Remus walks in on Sirius brushing his teeth. Sirius’ grin splits wide open and he spits and rinses quickly before kissing Remus on the cheek, with a proud sort of bounce.

Remus just laughs happily and bats him away, “Gross, you still have toothpaste on your mouth!” 

Sirius laughs too and shoves him a bit to the side. While they continue their morning routine in the sink they watch each other out of the sides of their eyes and smile. Finally, about halfway through Remus’ combing his hair and with Sirius in between moisturizing and putting his hair back, Remus gives in and pulls him in for a kiss. Sirius smiles into it and easily lets himself get distracted from his rigorous morning routine. They don't really feel a need to stop until James coughs very loudly, so as to alert them to his arrival.

They move apart, blushing, but James doesn't seem to feel like Sirius has been embarrassed enough bc he picks up a razor and says, “There, Sirius, I told you you'd work it out. Just a few days ago, it was, that you were all upset about how badly you missed Remus and-” 

Sirius tackles him to the ground, Remus laughing as he watches. James eventually surrenders and promises not to embarrass Sirius any further, and is so kind as to leave the bathroom they seem to have claimed immediately after brushing his teeth and washing his face, instead of lingering around to give commentary on Sirius’ lengthy hair process as usual. 

Once the beloved interloper is gone, Sirius smiles at Remus and presses a kiss to his forehead, even as he does his hair in french braids. 

“You know,” he says, “I really have no clue why we share the dreams and everything, but I'm glad. It would have taken me waaayy longer to figure things out.”

Remus, done with his routine and leaning against the wall, rubs his thumb against the palm of his hand. This is so new, so fragile, isn't it a bit much to throw the expectation of soulmates on top of it? But Remus doesn't want to lie to Sirius, especially not now that they're - something. He takes a deep breath.

“Actually, about that.” Remus is careful to make himself looks Sirius, who looks vaguely concerned, in the eyes. “Last Monday, after that dream, I did some research.”

“Oh,” said Sirius. “I was assuming you'd looked into it a long time ago and just not found anything.”

“I had, several times actually but, after the dream with the owlery Sunday night I was determined to find some way to - to stop it, more permanent than with the sleeping potion. So I looked again, in places I hadn't before, and I - well I found it.”

Remus gives a brief summary of the sorting hat's words and how they came back to him through the index of this ancient book, and then he recites the passage about dream guardians, which he has memorized by now from all the time he's spent stressing over it.

When he reaches the word “soulmate”, Sirius freezes. Remus presses on, reciting the whole passage, if nothing else, trying to give Sirius time to process before he has to respond.

Once he's done, he leaves the words hanging in the air for a bit until Sirius says, “Well, I think the important takeaway here is that we're one in a million.”

Remus laughs, “One in five thousand.”

“Right, right.” Sirius laughs too, and then hesitates before finally getting to his point. “Remus, I mean, I'm like 16, so this is really really weird, I'm not gonna lie, but, if I'm going to have a soulmate, what I mean to say is, I'm glad it's you.”

Remus smiles, relieved, “I'm glad it's you, too.”

Then Sirius puts one last clip in his hair, takes Remus by the hand, and they go to breakfast, ready to face the day.


End file.
